Too often my happiness is tempered by melancholy. I found out today that I got into the Masters program of my choosing (I only applied to one school and one program...might have been overconfident but it worked out). For the last couple months my excuse for being stagnant has been that I am waiting to hear back whether I have been accepted, so I can get on with the rest of my life, so I can finish my Masters, get a stable job, put a down payment on my future home, my sanctuary. Now that push came to shove and I have my answer, I am simultaneously caught in a whirlwind and paralyzed.
I started dating someone less than a month ago. Someone who I could conceivably imagine a future with. Someone who might actually like me back, despite how intensely passionate, how bluntly inquisitive, how assertive yet insecure, how me I am. He makes me happy. I don't think I ever thought I would ever find someone who could understand me. I don't think I ever thought I deserved happiness. Maybe that's why I try so hard to support my clients, that maybe if I am good, like really good, I may be worthy. Like karma. I don't know what this means now. For me. For us. Long distance? Or is it better just to end something now before we get too attached?
But am I already too attached? It's back to the feeling I had going into Sechelt for my practicum. The feeling that I am always holding something back, because it (the experience, the connections with the people I will meet) does not last. It is a time-limited relationship. I never learned how to navigate that. Maybe that's why I have trouble with commitment.
I can see this going either way. Reverting back to the dismissive-avoidant attachment style, where I end things prematurely just so I am not the one to be hurt. It would be a regressive move, for someone who has tried so hard, particularly recently, to throw caution to the wind and attempt to live wholeheartedly.
I am not a bad person. I know this, with confidence. But do I deserve to be happy? What, and whose sins am I atoning for anyway?
I need to let things go. If things are truly meant to be, they would not be this hard, right?
If he ends things, would I fight for us?
Should I let him go?
many mundane musings
Tuesday, February 28, 2017
Friday, February 17, 2017
Intensely
I'm over hump day.
Today is Thursday the 16th, for most people it's close enough to the end of the week that energy levels are decreasing and we are looking forward more to the weekend than we would care to admit to our bosses...Or maybe not, because at least where I am Monday was a statuary holiday.
Tomorrow will be Day 6 of my 7 consecutive work day week, and I am almost there. I keep telling myself that this is the last stretch, that I only have to be "on" for another two days. Wednesday was busy and productive and I loved it even though I had no time to eat and literally spent 12 hours without food...I felt like I was being helpful, and that what I did had value...I guess I couldn't expect to feel that way everyday.
I don't want to have to be dependent on other people for my happiness, for feeling okay about myself. But that's been happening a lot more lately. I don't like myself when I am like this. I don't want to be the cliche, clingy girlfriend.
I need some time and space to be alone and to purge myself of all these feelings that don't necessarily belong to me..and also process those that do. 2017 has been an intense year so far. I just want someone who can be there for me and reassure me that everything will be okay even if they aren't, reassure me that they will be there for me and actually be there.
Because I can't take this state of suspension anymore. If I have to go it alone then I will, but know that I will never reach out again.
When all this is over...will it be worth it? Will I be colder?
I don't know if I want to be that way. Is it better or worse to have hope?
Today is Thursday the 16th, for most people it's close enough to the end of the week that energy levels are decreasing and we are looking forward more to the weekend than we would care to admit to our bosses...Or maybe not, because at least where I am Monday was a statuary holiday.
Tomorrow will be Day 6 of my 7 consecutive work day week, and I am almost there. I keep telling myself that this is the last stretch, that I only have to be "on" for another two days. Wednesday was busy and productive and I loved it even though I had no time to eat and literally spent 12 hours without food...I felt like I was being helpful, and that what I did had value...I guess I couldn't expect to feel that way everyday.
I don't want to have to be dependent on other people for my happiness, for feeling okay about myself. But that's been happening a lot more lately. I don't like myself when I am like this. I don't want to be the cliche, clingy girlfriend.
I need some time and space to be alone and to purge myself of all these feelings that don't necessarily belong to me..and also process those that do. 2017 has been an intense year so far. I just want someone who can be there for me and reassure me that everything will be okay even if they aren't, reassure me that they will be there for me and actually be there.
Because I can't take this state of suspension anymore. If I have to go it alone then I will, but know that I will never reach out again.
When all this is over...will it be worth it? Will I be colder?
I don't know if I want to be that way. Is it better or worse to have hope?
Tuesday, February 7, 2017
Lately
Lately I haven't been myself, or maybe I have been too much of myself. I was so sure that I know who I am, what I want from life (generally, and also specifics), and even what it would take to get there. Despite all this, there is often a long period of stagnant waiting. Waiting to hear back, the moment of truth, the big shebang. I am usually a fairly patient person, but waiting just drives me up the wall, and I still don't have enough discipline to fill this stagnant waiting time into something distracting and productive (it's like I can do one of the two but not both; also, mind-numbingly distracting, what an amazing descriptor).
Lately I have been getting worse with my work-life boundaries. I don't think these were very solid to begin with, to be honest. I'm super guilty of answering work emails at home (or even when I'm out with friends...I suck, I know). I'm super guilty of talking/breathing/thinking about work too much when I am not at work. To be fair, I do spend the majority of my time around my clients, more than around my family or friends. I also try very hard to become emotionally attuned to my clients, in order to deliver empathic and compassionate service. I am much more attuned to my clients than even my parents, than most of my friends. Last night I was already off work when I talked to a client on the street right outside my work, trying to convince him to stay and work things out rather than sleep outside or going back to a family that was never a family for him. In my line of work I log many hours of overtime that will never be paid and never documented. In that moment I could not just walk away from him, not when someone I know is hurting. It's possible he would have returned regardless without my interference (to be truthful he isn't someone I work closely with so I know little about him except what my colleagues tell me), and at the same time I could not just walk away.
Lately I have had to reflect on my privilege as a cisgender woman who can pass as heterosexual. I don't remember when I began questioning. It's possible I had a crush on a girl in high school, but I also had a much stronger crush on a boy at the same time, and I am such that I can only be romantically inclined towards one person at a time. My answer has always been, how can you know for sure you are heterosexual when it's possible you just haven't met someone of the same gender that you are attracted to? It's not like heterosexual folks like everyone of the opposite gender, we all have standards, right? Also reflecting on what bi/pansexuality means to me, is that I (and likely a lot of people who identify this way) do not like both or all genders equally. I will always prefer males over females, and I likely would end up finding a male life partner. That doesn't mean that part of me that is attracted to females doesn't exist, however small this part may be. I am ambivalent to the concept of "coming out". First, because I never intentionally tried to hide this part of myself, it took a lot of introspection to get to this point where I think I likely am attracted to more than one gender. Second, it gives me satisfaction to (if I do) date someone of the same gender and smash heteronormative expectations. Third, it's not like anyone asked. On the other hand, I don't want to feel as though I am lying by omission, because it is part of my identity, and I want people I care about to know me for who I really am. Two friends I talked to said it's not necessary to tell anyone until I do end up seeing a female-identified person. Perhaps they are right, and I shouldn't be agonizing over how to break it to my dad, or to my grandmother.
Life has been shit, lately. I guess it all depends on perspectives, and there's no point dwelling on the bad parts even though that's what my mind is primarily preoccupied with. The good parts though, I am hoping I would eventually come to appreciate when my mind is not in such a depressive state. I read somewhere that the more often you feel depressed, the stronger each successive depressive state becomes, because that is what we are used to. So I will attempt to be more strengths-based with this situation and see where it takes me. I have a long estranged uncle who recently got in touch. He's also this dedicated historian with multiple PhDs who actually went back to China to the village my family is from to find out exactly where my ancestral family is from and retrace all the family history from as far back as it gets to present day in Canada. Wow, right? What an amazing opportunity to find out exactly where I am from, and how it may or may not shape where I am going. I also recently heard from a cousin I have never met, who is the sister of a cousin who is partially estranged from my family due to longstanding family feuding of previous generations. Adversity brings people closer together, and here are some family members of my blood, reaching out and wanting to connect. I told my mom that I like both girls and guys, and she was totally supportive and unfazed by that, which also is amazing and awesome. I basically told the person I have a crush on that I like them, and can they please stop chasing after this other girl he doesn't even really like when it comes down to it...? That ended partially in disaster, but I think I am getting better at this "live wholeheartedly", "be assertive", "wear your vulnerability as armor" thing. And that's the thing too, I'm not afraid to be vulnerable (compared to most people), and that's probably because there are so many more layers beneath that, and that from a cost-benefit perspective, the things I share with you, even if used against me, I can take that loss, so to speak. I am starting to lose my coherence here, so I will sign off. Lately...
Lately I have been getting worse with my work-life boundaries. I don't think these were very solid to begin with, to be honest. I'm super guilty of answering work emails at home (or even when I'm out with friends...I suck, I know). I'm super guilty of talking/breathing/thinking about work too much when I am not at work. To be fair, I do spend the majority of my time around my clients, more than around my family or friends. I also try very hard to become emotionally attuned to my clients, in order to deliver empathic and compassionate service. I am much more attuned to my clients than even my parents, than most of my friends. Last night I was already off work when I talked to a client on the street right outside my work, trying to convince him to stay and work things out rather than sleep outside or going back to a family that was never a family for him. In my line of work I log many hours of overtime that will never be paid and never documented. In that moment I could not just walk away from him, not when someone I know is hurting. It's possible he would have returned regardless without my interference (to be truthful he isn't someone I work closely with so I know little about him except what my colleagues tell me), and at the same time I could not just walk away.
Lately I have had to reflect on my privilege as a cisgender woman who can pass as heterosexual. I don't remember when I began questioning. It's possible I had a crush on a girl in high school, but I also had a much stronger crush on a boy at the same time, and I am such that I can only be romantically inclined towards one person at a time. My answer has always been, how can you know for sure you are heterosexual when it's possible you just haven't met someone of the same gender that you are attracted to? It's not like heterosexual folks like everyone of the opposite gender, we all have standards, right? Also reflecting on what bi/pansexuality means to me, is that I (and likely a lot of people who identify this way) do not like both or all genders equally. I will always prefer males over females, and I likely would end up finding a male life partner. That doesn't mean that part of me that is attracted to females doesn't exist, however small this part may be. I am ambivalent to the concept of "coming out". First, because I never intentionally tried to hide this part of myself, it took a lot of introspection to get to this point where I think I likely am attracted to more than one gender. Second, it gives me satisfaction to (if I do) date someone of the same gender and smash heteronormative expectations. Third, it's not like anyone asked. On the other hand, I don't want to feel as though I am lying by omission, because it is part of my identity, and I want people I care about to know me for who I really am. Two friends I talked to said it's not necessary to tell anyone until I do end up seeing a female-identified person. Perhaps they are right, and I shouldn't be agonizing over how to break it to my dad, or to my grandmother.
Life has been shit, lately. I guess it all depends on perspectives, and there's no point dwelling on the bad parts even though that's what my mind is primarily preoccupied with. The good parts though, I am hoping I would eventually come to appreciate when my mind is not in such a depressive state. I read somewhere that the more often you feel depressed, the stronger each successive depressive state becomes, because that is what we are used to. So I will attempt to be more strengths-based with this situation and see where it takes me. I have a long estranged uncle who recently got in touch. He's also this dedicated historian with multiple PhDs who actually went back to China to the village my family is from to find out exactly where my ancestral family is from and retrace all the family history from as far back as it gets to present day in Canada. Wow, right? What an amazing opportunity to find out exactly where I am from, and how it may or may not shape where I am going. I also recently heard from a cousin I have never met, who is the sister of a cousin who is partially estranged from my family due to longstanding family feuding of previous generations. Adversity brings people closer together, and here are some family members of my blood, reaching out and wanting to connect. I told my mom that I like both girls and guys, and she was totally supportive and unfazed by that, which also is amazing and awesome. I basically told the person I have a crush on that I like them, and can they please stop chasing after this other girl he doesn't even really like when it comes down to it...? That ended partially in disaster, but I think I am getting better at this "live wholeheartedly", "be assertive", "wear your vulnerability as armor" thing. And that's the thing too, I'm not afraid to be vulnerable (compared to most people), and that's probably because there are so many more layers beneath that, and that from a cost-benefit perspective, the things I share with you, even if used against me, I can take that loss, so to speak. I am starting to lose my coherence here, so I will sign off. Lately...
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