Self-sabotage. Stagnation.

Too often my happiness is tempered by melancholy. I found out today that I got into the Masters program of my choosing (I only applied to one school and one program...might have been overconfident but it worked out). For the last couple months my excuse for being stagnant has been that I am waiting to hear back whether I have been accepted, so I can get on with the rest of my life, so I can finish my Masters, get a stable job, put a down payment on my future home, my sanctuary. Now that push came to shove and I have my answer, I am simultaneously caught in a whirlwind and paralyzed.

I started dating someone less than a month ago. Someone who I could conceivably imagine a future with. Someone who might actually like me back, despite how intensely passionate, how bluntly inquisitive, how assertive yet insecure, how me I am. He makes me happy. I don't think I ever thought I would ever find someone who could understand me. I don't think I ever thought I deserved happiness. Maybe that's why I try so hard to support my clients, that maybe if I am good, like really good, I may be worthy. Like karma. I don't know what this means now. For me. For us. Long distance? Or is it better just to end something now before we get too attached?

But am I already too attached? It's back to the feeling I had going into Sechelt for my practicum. The feeling that I am always holding something back, because it (the experience, the connections with the people I will meet) does not last. It is a time-limited relationship. I never learned how to navigate that. Maybe that's why I have trouble with commitment.

I can see this going either way. Reverting back to the dismissive-avoidant attachment style, where I end things prematurely just so I am not the one to be hurt. It would be a regressive move, for someone who has tried so hard, particularly recently, to throw caution to the wind and attempt to live wholeheartedly.

I am not a bad person. I know this, with confidence. But do I deserve to be happy? What, and whose sins am I atoning for anyway?

I need to let things go. If things are truly meant to be, they would not be this hard, right?

If he ends things, would I fight for us?

Should I let him go?