Intensely

I'm over hump day.

Today is Thursday the 16th, for most people it's close enough to the end of the week that energy levels are decreasing and we are looking forward more to the weekend than we would care to admit to our bosses...Or maybe not, because at least where I am Monday was a statuary holiday.

Tomorrow will be Day 6 of my 7 consecutive work day week, and I am almost there. I keep telling myself that this is the last stretch, that I only have to be "on" for another two days. Wednesday was busy and productive and I loved it even though I had no time to eat and literally spent 12 hours without food...I felt like I was being helpful, and that what I did had value...I guess I couldn't expect to feel that way everyday.

I don't want to have to be dependent on other people for my happiness, for feeling okay about myself. But that's been happening a lot more lately. I don't like myself when I am like this. I don't want to be the cliche, clingy girlfriend.

I need some time and space to be alone and to purge myself of all these feelings that don't necessarily belong to me..and also process those that do. 2017 has been an intense year so far. I just want someone who can be there for me and reassure me that everything will be okay even if they aren't, reassure me that they will be there for me and actually be there.

Because I can't take this state of suspension anymore. If I have to go it alone then I will, but know that I will never reach out again.

When all this is over...will it be worth it? Will I be colder?

I don't know if I want to be that way. Is it better or worse to have hope?